The Umbra

"She pointed at the dark figure accusingly, "You are nugatory and contemptible!! Stay away from me!!!" She remained in her disposition, her confidence and intuition told her that the figure would leave. Confidence and intuition were such liers. Then, the clouds started to shroud the moon and nigritude came. the figure continued to stand there, pointing at the vast darkness... alone this time. She was gone. Like the moon, she has been enveloped by the darkness..."

Have u ever been mocked at? What kind of words hurt u the most?
Does "Can u PLS dun b SO useless/stupid/blur/clumsy anot?" Ring any bells?

While I bet all those words are enough to make anyone flinch, it is insignificant compared to the pain induced from hearing those words from the mouth of someone close to you.

Imagine you've been ostracised and labelled as a 'bastard' for as long as you can remember. You seriously hate that and desperately wants to change others' impression of you. And so you have tried all means to be kind, humble, etc, but 'accidents' would still occur occasionally. When that happens, your brother (knowing very well that it's your sore spot) says, "Fwah... gor, do u know u r such a bastard??"
*Ooowwwww!*

I believe a normal person's instant spontaneous reaction to 'my brother' will be, "WTF?!? What did I do to deserve this??? Ridiculous!!!" He or she may feel hurt at an intricate level too. Upon further brooding however, other thoughts and feelings may come into mind.. Anger perhaps? "Who is HE to pinpoint me and say that I'm a bastard??", "He is not flawless wad and I can SEE his imperfections like a fugly zit on his face too! He's like a fool borned blind, unable to comprehend the true meaning of 'rosy cheeks'. I should use it against him! Let me just HURT him, he started it anyway..." So... does it end here?

Far from it.

Some who are wise will immediately recognise such sensations as 'anger' or 'vengefulness' and fully understanding their nature, will detach themselves from those emotions quickly. Others who are not so 'immune' to such conditions may find hating someone quite invigorating. Even thinking of words that may cause your 'victims' to react accordingly at your discretion is stimulating. You feel powerful that you have the capacity to inflict pain. Subsequently, you will want to indulge yourself in such thoughts and emotions.

"Under my shirt, the heavy barrel rubbed painfully against my waist. I welcomed it."

Now, I shall go back to the beginning... Let's discuss this at a different point of perception. Why does it actually hurt when someone accuse you of something? Perhaps it sways the very fundamentals of your principles in life? It disorientates you by questioning your beliefs? Shall we stop and ponder about it?

What if your principles have been based on nothing, or worse the 'wrong' (this leads to another debatable topic) things? Maybe your beliefs gives you only satisfaction but no true meaning? Simply put, it is possible that you have been living in delusion and denial. For example, maybe you ARE a bastard after all, but it's just that you REFUSE to accept it. You resent others for reminding you of your very own flaws and blame them for all your misery. You hope that the world will someday become 'enlightened' and realise how 'wrong' it is...

So here comes the million dollar question...





Do you know who you are?




___________________

斗("豆")

血腥一波未平，一波又起。持续八年长年累月的战争何时了？筋疲力尽的挣扎，毫无奏效的拼命抵抗，简直于事无补，情况丝毫没有明显的改善，真叫人束手无策！

真羡慕有些人，他们根本不须面对这扰人心烦的战争，即使终于面临这不幸的遭遇，只不过是暂时性的磨擦，随着几天或最多几个月的“调和”就风平浪静了。我和青春豆斗了将近8年，却始终处处占了下风，没能将它束手就擒，真是落得“遍脸鳞伤”，一败涂地！

好多人和我一样，也在拼命地抵抗它，却始终一一被击垮。比较幸运的抵抗者随着时间的流逝，终于打了个胜仗，把青春豆制服了，却发现自己已不再如此青春了。战争残酷无情地留下抹不去的痕迹，叙述了多年抵抗的苦心孤诣所赎回的幸福，战争没有明确的优胜者，只是两败俱伤...

这几年的挣扎，使我彻底麻木了，敌人火力却也逐渐消减，不再像往日一样如火如荼。年少时总是感到非常自卑，内心的创伤，希望能随着“敌人”渐渐的撤退慢慢痊愈。因为，每个战争总得有个了解，我不会永远对青春豆低声下气...

我希望有一天能有足够信心向镜子抬头。

我不信与它的缘分不能就此结束。

我不信斗不过青春豆。

27

A,B,C,D,E,F... R....X,Y,Z..

这不是大家都苦瓜烂熟的英文字母吗？在暗恋一个人却同时又得保持低调时，不免会为每个恋爱对象取个适当的绰号。众所周知的ABC就是自己简单又独特的暗号了，却没料到连Z都得派上用场，26种酸甜苦辣的经历，26位与众不同的女主角，结局却是千篇一律...

或许，我根本无缘融入每个男主角的绝色.. 或许在每个故事当中，我只是个过路的配角.. 而或许，我根本都不该属于任何故事剧本中...

常话道：皇天不负苦心人，难道我还不够用心，不够执着吗？难道用26次心力交瘁的尝试所换来的26次惨痛失败，皇天却视而不见？难道所付出的每一滴泪，所费劲的苦心孤诣与心思，却是如此微不足道，如此一文不值吗？
...

英文字母表里只有26个字母，也许它潜意识地在暗示我，不会再有第27的疼痛经历，第27不再是个悲痛欲绝的故事，我不再是个隐形的过客，我将会是故事的主角，我将改写自己的结局..

我再也不须暗自苦苦为任何人娶个绰号...

梦

梦是内心思想最诚恳的表达方式，出自于真心，发自于内心。梦的主题往往与个人的现实生活，举止，遭遇，经验与思想息息相关，不论梦有多茫无头绪，多荒谬绝伦，含糊不清又似是而非的种种画面背后，却深深地隐藏了一个人对生活的所有渴望与期待。

很多时候，我们非常不了解自己，不清楚自己要的是什么，面对太多选择的局面就显得不知所措，踌躇不前，面对太少或毫无抉择的情况下又是茫然若失，不进则退。有时，答案太不够明显，反复摸索总是毫无建树，也许梦就是从心底最坦诚的表白。你心里渴望的一切，连自己在现实生活中有时都不会察觉，甚至因为时间的流逝或其他因素而严重的忽略了，而梦里往往都会隐隐留下暗示，微微地表达内心的心声。因为，只有在睡梦中，一个人才能超越现实生活中难以达成的种种渴望与要求，只有踏入梦乡，一个人方能找回自我，走出来后能更深一层地了解自己。
...

我在梦里又遇见了她，这并不代表我能做什么，更不待表任何奇迹的可能或征兆，只是心情上的一种抒发，也好让我知道，这几年没见到她，我的心却依然珍惜那段毫无缘分的友谊。

R

我悄悄地把被推开，凌晨五点钟了。幸好左邻右舍的朋友们依然沉浸于各自的梦幻世界，除了自己震耳欲咙的心跳声，兵营四周似乎毫无动静，鸦雀无声。我轻轻地推开大门，屏住呼吸往外一撇，外头尽是一片寂静，毫无声色。再也压抑不了内心中兴奋的我，陡然间毫不犹豫地冲出大门，双脚不由自主地奔向出口，似乎终于打开了缠住内心已久的枷锁，似乎摆脱了精神上的所有拘束！

我跑着，跑着，兵营的大门已浮现在不远前，简直是近在咫尺，但不管双脚怎么加快步伐，离大门的距离却总是差之毫厘，似是而非！我慌了，开始心乱如麻，开始头晕目眩，周围却又多了好多杂声，好多呼叫声，我似乎已被重重包围，似乎难逃一劫！呐喊声淹没了我的脑海，我却突然清醒了一些。我不能束手就擒，无论如何，我一定要见到她。

这一股突如其来的冲刺，使我周身心旷神怡，我的脚步渐渐迅速起来，大门不再如此遥远，追喊声也不再嗡嗡作响, 逐渐地消声匿迹。此刻我早已把生死置度尽抛到九霄云外，已不在乎后果，更不回头望。我一把推开了看守大门的最后一个阿兵哥，终于冲出了重围！

即然不能在此地逗留，我自然地不敢放慢脚步，只有疯狂地奔着，脑海里只有她那善解人意的脸孔，那温柔可爱的双眼，似乎给予我无限的鼓励与希望，既是为我担忧，又时充满渴望。我跑了不知好久，终于到达了和她约定的地点。她再也不只是那脑海里漂浮不定的画面，那若隐若现的梦幻人物。付出所有不顾一切的牺牲与冒险所换来的结局，就在这一霎那，就在此刻！

看见她，我只想把她拥入怀中，但是，她一句也不哼，转身走进咖啡店里，真使我不知所云。她的冷漠与潇洒使我浑身不自在，难道她根本不想见我？不知怎么的，我的心似乎渐渐往下坠，似乎将被她的冷淡无情给击碎！我开始心灰意冷，所有殷切的期盼一瞬间化为绝望，其实我心知肚明，她是根本不会看上我的，我简直异想天开。这时的我既是心痛，又是心酸！

“请我吃鸡饭！快点。”

说这句话的态度，不是顽皮，更不是兴奋与期待，而简直是野蛮无礼。但我却怎么忍心得罪她呢？我一口答应了，更没有犹疑地一一符合她所有的要求，心里似乎被一股排山倒海的力道拼命敲打，却依然傻傻地望着她，似乎心甘情愿做她一辈子的奴才！真傻。

我毫无声色地望着她离去，心里多想把她挽留，却只能呆呆地看着她的背影逐渐消失，犹如一块砖石，渐渐沉入大海，好想挽救，好想把握，却始终心有余儿力不足。

茫然之中，我突然苏醒了过来，原来只是一场奇怪异常的梦。2年不见R的踪影，更无她的讯息。我想往日的眷恋已化为毫无察觉的渴望，这压抑已久的期盼与怀恋，却又潜意识的在梦境中抒发。原来，我还是那么想她...

但或许她早已忘了我的存在。

Welcome

First post here. Hello world.